No Clean Slates
It’s natural at times in life to want to wipe the slate clean and start afresh. And often times we think we do as we break open a new chapter, move to a new place, start a new career, go back to school, enter a new relationship, buy a new notebook. Many times during life I’ve felt the need to wipe out all that lies behind, take a deep breath of new, and move on allowing myself to forget the road I feel I erroneously traveled.
At times it may feel that we have wiped the slate clean, but it’s just not how it really is. We are who we are, we’ve been where we’ve been, learned what we learned, achieved what we achieved, and fucked up what we fucked up. It is; it just is.
But growth and change doesn’t happen in a vacuum. We cannot propel forward without something from which to push off. A healthy moving forward doesn’t condemn or forget the past, it includes and transcends, like folding ingredients into a dough and kneading it all together to make something new and delicious. (Fold in the cheese, David!)
I’ve felt stuck about adding any new writing to my blog. I keep feeling the desire to wipe it all out and begin again. Just delete the whole thing and start afresh, maybe even a new .com altogether. And yet, something in me wouldn’t allow it. There is part of me back there, she was one, two, maybe three versions of Jen ago. She knew what she knew. She was searching, actively looking for something that could not be touched. All of that searching wasn’t wrong it was the road. It’s safe to assume what I write today will irritate my future self too.
I’ve also asked myself this question, Would I feel proud to look back and still believe all the things I’ve always believed? Would I have a sense of, Wow, you’ve come a long way kid, if I never changed my mind and allowed that to change who I have become? And I can answer both of those questions with an emphatic, No. No, I would not be proud of myself if my writing never changed, never evolved, never expanded my thinking.
So, it stays. It all stays. Every entry was me working it out, folding it in. Every word a search for meaning, truth, and an awakening to something more real. I won’t defend it, I won’t turn from it. I will allow it. Allow it to be a reminder to hold loosely to what I believe today and keep typing the words that bring me peace in the moment.
It was funny when I went to post this and I saw my last entry. Basically, the same idea expressed two ways. But also proof that this has been working in me for some time now. This healing thing has been a long process. But it feels good now. Real good.
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