I never thought it would take this long...

Before I even left they were asking me what would be next. At that time I too thought, just give me a couple months to gather myself, get the family moved, and I’ll have my hands in something in no time. 

But it wasn’t long before I was face to face with an unsettling Truth; loss, grief, recovery, rehabbing, and resurfacing take the time they take. Try as you may to surface earlier, the tide that rises and falls with a force beyond your understanding will pull you back off the shore if you’re not ready to walk on dry land just yet. It pulled me back several times this past year when I thought I was ready.

It’s been a year. Actually, a year and 4 days. 369 days since I walked away from the business that had consumed my everything for 8 years. 

I’m stepping on the shore and this time finally feels like I’m emerging. 

What’s next? Who knows? But I do know this is where I begin. Writing. It’s always been my landing place.

The beautiful thing about time is that it has this magical way of turning loss into meaning. The beautiful thing about writing is that it has a magical way of revealing that meaning.

Here is what I know for now...

I know I was meant to do what I was doing, just not in the way I was doing it. In fact, before I owned my business I had been doing it already for years in many different ways. There is a thread that can only be found in the years. That thread will continue. The thread is what makes me ME, not the job or the current form of that thread. 

I know I have, and have always had, an engrained desire/compulsion/passion to turn around wherever I am and reach a hand back to the women right around me. I can’t explain it. As much as I try to think that maybe I’ll just get a job where I can clock in and clock out and go on about my life...I just can’t. It’s part of my thread. 

I know I have to honor what I have learned about myself over these 50 years and move forward in alignment and ease. Burnout is real, it’s debilitating, and it can be dangerous. Exhaustion can split you from yourself and make you think and do things that the healthy you would never even consider. I’ve been on the edge, I have respect for the edge, and I will protect myself from the edge at all cost. I have made promises to myself. Next time, I will abandon the thing before I abandon my SELF. 

I know that there are a million different things I’ve learned along the way, from my own struggles and from years of working with other women. I’m going to start sharing those things here because I think they are helpful. Maybe you'll find them helpful too. 

It feels like time to move forward. Slowly. Like long, gentle, deep breaths. 

We’ll see where this goes. 

♥️ Jen